Blog #15 往內心細看...

“神啊，求你鑒察我，知道我的心思， 試煉我，知道我的意念；看在我裏面有甚麼惡行沒有， 引導我走永生的道路。”

詩篇 139:23-24

親愛的上帝，

當我回顧這些年來與你一起的旅程時，我發覺在內心的對話中越來越多聽到的是“我”和而不是 “你”。 我總是想著“我”所渴望的事情是以為你而活，或為你帶來榮耀為藉口。 正如你的話直接進入到我心中最深處和最黑暗的角落，我懼怕你確實 “在我所有焦慮牽掛中試驗和篩選我”(甚麼惡行可翻譯作焦慮牽掛 )。 我的意念很多時候就是焦慮和牽掛。 所有這些焦慮牽掛都是我經常走在痛苦道路上的路石。省察我的心意味著我企圖去理解或翻轉那些構成我生命中痛苦之路的每一塊石頭。生活在焦慮中是非常令人不安的，就像每天走在雷區一樣。 當我的日子一帆風順時，我發現自己在為下雨天做準備; 當雨終於來臨時，我發現自己正在為暴風雨做準備;當我身處暴風雨中時，我會為更大的災難做準備，每天都為著準備最壞的事情而籌算。 焦慮會滋生焦慮，而且永遠不會結束。 我的焦慮牽掛比新冠狀病毒甚至流感繁殖得更快。

主耶穌，感謝你讓我接受考驗，不是為了看我是否能通過考驗，而是為了“篩選我焦慮的思想”，使它們從我心中被篩掉，我的道路不再建立在焦慮痛苦的石頭上。 我渴望那在乾淨的土壤上行走的感覺，就像一個喜歡赤腳走路的孩子一樣。 在我宣稱全心全意侍奉祢之前，請幫助我轉向內心細看，向內細看並非高舉自我中心或者自私的表現，因為上帝是看人內心的，我知道著重外在的行為表現只會讓我的內心世界更一團糟。相反地 ，向內細看能夠逐一摒棄這些焦慮憂慮的石頭，這樣我就可以重新發現回到祢真正為我預備我要走的道路上。 阿門

Blog #15 Looking inward…

“Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden within me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I'm walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way— the path that brings me back to you." Psalm 139: 2324 (TPT)

Dear God,

As I reflect on my journey with you all these years, I hear more and more the “I” and you in my internal conversations. My thoughts are always about things that “I” desire under the excuse of living for you or bringing you glory. As your words have spoken to the deepest space and the darkest corners of my heart, I fear that you do “test and sift me through all my anxious cares.” All those anxious cares are the paving stones for the path of pain I often walk on. Searching my heart means unraveling or turning over every rock that form the path of pain in my life. Living in anxiety is very unnerving, it is like walking on a minefield every day. When my days are smooth sailing, I find myself preparing for the raining days; when the rain finally comes, I find myself preparing for storms; when I am in the middle of a storm, I prepare for even greater disasters. Anxiety feeds anxiety and it just never ends. My anxious cares multiply themselves faster than the COVID virus.

Lord Jesus, thank you for putting me to test, not to see if I will fail the test but to “sift through my anxious thoughts”, so that they are sifted out of my heart and my path are not built on stone of pain. I long for the feeling of walking on clean soil, like a child so fond of walking on barefoot. Before I claim to serve you with all my heart, please help me turn inward and unravel these stones of anxious cares one by one and get them out of my path so that I can go back to the path you truly desire for me. I know that looing inward is never a selfish or self-centered act in your eyes because you are a God who looks at the heart.

Amen